


Words Fail, There's Nothing I Can Say

by bandable



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dear Evan Hansen Fusion, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Based on a Dear Evan Hansen Song, Chan is Felix's adoptive dad, Character Death, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Sad, Social Anxiety, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 20:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14144175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bandable/pseuds/bandable
Summary: I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared?Felix is entering his senior year of high school, not expecting much and still gets let down.aka: the stray kids fic based kinda on dear evan hansenheed the tags please! and read the note :)





	Words Fail, There's Nothing I Can Say

**Author's Note:**

> me to the group chat: i can't write angst!!  
> me: writes this
> 
> major warning for suicide mentions and anxiety in this fic, please be careful reading 
> 
> s/o to serena ([strawhatmikans](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawhatmikans/pseuds/strawhatmikans)) for helping me with tenses in this lol idk how to do tenses
> 
> i'm apologizing in advance for this especially bc idk when i'll post the next part hahahahahaha woops

If you asked him, Felix would tell you that his life currently was not rainbows and butterflies. In fact, Felix wasn't sure if there was ever a point in time that his life was rainbows or butterflies. He was anxious, awkward, had only one “friend” and had absolutely not a clue on what he was he doing. His life revolved around a bottle of white pills, therapy sessions every week, and the protection of the four walls of his bedroom--his only escape, keeping him hidden from everything he was so afraid of.

 

Okay, maybe it wasn’t completely true that his life was never butterflies and rainbows. When he was first adopted by Chan and Hayley, things were great. Fantastic, even. He was adopted when he was six, just slightly older than what’s considered common for adoption. They were the picture perfect family for a decent amount of time, but things started to change when he turned ten. Their family dinners happened less and less often, with Hayley staying late at work and Chan struggling to finish med school. Chan would always say that once he was done with school, things would change. When Felix turned eleven and Chan graduated with his med degree… things didn’t change. Or, they did, but not for the better, as Chan struggled to find a job and Hayley felt like she was doing everything and getting nothing in return.

 

The night it all tipped over seemed to happen so quickly. Felix doesn't remember many of the details, but he does remember Chan and Hayley screaming and fighting and yelling, names being thrown around at the same rate the glass vases and plates were. Then there's a truck in their driveway, filled up with Hayley’s things. His mom had disappeared with the truck down the street and around the corner, for good. The next thing Felix remembers is the sign in the yard declaring “FOR SALE”. Felix and Chan packed everything up and left both the house and the memories of Hayley behind them.

 

As Felix got older, he never returned to the same loud, outgoing kid he was before his mother had left. It had seemed to Chan that not only did Hayley take all of her own things with her, she had taken Felix’s sense of childhood as well. Felix had changed so suddenly, never wanting to go play with the kids in the new neighborhood they lived in and suddenly asking Chan variations of “Do you love me?” or “Is another truck coming to take you away, too, Dad?”

 

When Felix turned thirteen, he had his first anxiety attack. There was so much noise around him, so many things being demanded of him as suddenly he was being prepared for high school and his future. He couldn't deal with it all, and just… broke down. He couldn’t calm down when Chan tried to talk to him, tears streaming down his face as his hands shook so badly he dropped the pen that was between his fingers. This was when Chan decided it was time for things to change again. Instead of taking Felix to a doctor, Chan got a job at a hospital a few towns over. And then, all over again, the duo packed up and left their problems behind instead of facing them head on and finding solutions.

 

However, things in this new place only seemed to get worse. Felix would have breakdowns at least once a week, hands shaking almost constantly, and he would fake being sick to stay home from school. His freshman year was the tipping point when Chan found Felix rocking in the corner of his bedroom, angry red fingernail indents up and down his arms, the ones on the palms of his hands raw and bleeding. It was a flurry of doctors and therapists and different medication dosages for three years, until they finally found a mix of everything that made things calm down enough in Felix's mind for him to make it through the day. 

 

Now, a few years later, Felix is entering his senior year of high school with a cast on his left forearm (from a bad tree climbing incident over the summer), and nothing but fears and worries about school as the most recent therapy “cure” looms over his head. “As it seems you’re struggling to talk to me about what you’re feeling,” Dr. Wallace had said, “Let’s try getting you to talk to yourself about these feelings. I want you to write letters to yourself. They can be about whatever you want them to be about, like what you’re struggling with in school or things that caused you to be anxious one day, or something that just made you smile!”

 

So, here Felix is: sitting cross legged on his bed, his laptop open with a blank, white word document staring him in the face, seemingly mocking him. He has about half an hour before Chan shows up in his doorway, ready to drop him off at school for his first day of his senior year. He takes a deep breath before placing his fingers on the keyboard, he can do this. He just has to write like three paragraphs, sign it, and call it good. Simple.

 

_ Dear Felix, _

 

_ Okay. It’s your first day of your senior year. This year is going to be just fine if you just… just be yourself! You know? Be Lee Felix! Just, maybe, not the awkward, embarrassing Lee Felix, if you’re even capable of that. _

 

_ I mean, as long as you don’t do what you did at the school showcase at the end of last year… Remember? When you went to watch Jisung perform, and you were going to talk to him afterwards and tell him how good he was but instead, you ended up in the bathroom for half an hour because you were too worried about your hands being sweaty and you even put them underneath the hand dryer but then they were still sweaty just very warm now as well. So… just don’t act like that and things should be fine. _

 

_ No one will even notice you if you just keep your mouth shut, Felix. Silence equals invisibility, and that’s the best thing for us to do this year. We have Seungmin, and even though we’re just “family” friends, it’s enough. If you stay quiet, no one will have any reason to look at you or judge you or hate you. This should be easy… but once you get started on talking… you just never stop. Which is also super annoying and embarrassing and you should DEFINITELY stop that this year. _

 

_ If we can just do that… then today will be good. And tomorrow and the next day, too. That’s my motto this year: silence equals invisibility. I can do this. And then, once senior year is over, I can do online college and never have to talk to another soul again. It’s perfect. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

 

_ Me _

  
  


Chan appears in the doorway as Felix closes his laptop. He looks exhausted, but has a smile on his face, still. “Hey, kid!” He greets, “Are you ready for your first day of your senior year?”

 

“I guess…” Felix mutters.

 

Chan’s smile falters, and Felix feels guilty for causing it. He knows how stressed Chan is, and that Chan gets even more stressed when Felix can’t stop acting this way. “Okay, well, I have an idea!” Chan pulls out a sharpie from his pocket excitedly. “You can have the other students at school sign your cast for you. That’s a good ice breaker, right?”

 

Felix stares at the Sharpie in Chan’s hand. “Isn’t that something you normally do when you already… you know, have friends?” He asks.

 

Chan’s smile falls and he slumps a little, hands falling into his lap. “Felix…”

 

Felix forces a chuckle and a smile, “But you’re right! I’ll do it,” He grabs the sharpie from Chan’s hands, and he smiles at Felix.

 

“Have you been writing those letters to yourself?” Chan asks Felix, standing up and stretching.

 

Felix pockets the sharpie, “I started one, yeah.” 

 

“I had to move your appointment to this afternoon because I got called in on Friday afternoon. Is that okay?” Felix stands, throwing his backpack over his shoulder.

 

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine, I’ll have it done.” Felix assures, and then rolls his eyes slightly when Chan gives him a look of disbelief, “I promise, Dad.”

 

“Okay…” Chan looks like he wants to say something else, but refrains, “Let’s get you to school on time, today.”

 

-

 

Felix doesn’t look up from his shoes as he shuffles his way down the hallway toward his locker. Had he not looked up at the last minute before he got to his locker, he would have run straight into Hwang Hyunjin, the school’s established know-it-all. “Hey!” Hyunjin smiles brightly at Felix, and he has to look around to make sure Hyunjin was actually talking to him.

 

He and Hyunjin had done a project together in Lit at the end of the previous year, but haven't talked much since. In fact, they didn’t talk much during the project, in the first place, so why Hyunjin is talking to him like they know each other is a mystery to Felix. “Oh. Uh, hi.”

 

“How was your summer?” Hyunjin asks, but doesn’t allow Felix to get past opening his mouth. “Mine was great! I did four different internships and over fifty hours of community service at the homeless shelter. It’s impressive, I know, you don’t have to tell me.”

 

“Oh, wow, yeah that is really--”

 

“Oh my god, what happened to your arm?” Hyunjin cuts Felix off again, pointing at the stark white cast encompassing Felix’s left arm.

 

Felix jumps a bit at Hyunjin’s tone of voice, eyes flashing down to his arm. “This? I… I fell out of a tree over the summer.” Felix responds.

 

Hyunjin nods solemnly, “Ah… yeah, my grandma fell in the tub and broke her hip over the summer! The doctors all said that it was the beginning of the end for her, because then she died.”

 

Felix stumbles back two steps in surprise at Hyunjin’s blunt statements. Hyunjin smiles at him, and Felix’s mind short circuits, “Uh, would you wan--”

 

The first bell rings and saves Felix from potentially embarrassing himself even further, when Hyunjin would inevitably deny signing his cast and walk away from him. This also prevented Felix from having to listen to any more of Hyunjin’s insane stories, as Hyunjin spits a quick, “Happy first day!” and turns on his heel, disappearing down the hallway.

 

Felix sighs, both in embarrassment and relief as he slumps against his locker, hitting his head. He lets out a pained groan, and jumps as a new presence makes itself known, “Hey, Felix!” Seungmin leans against the lockers next to him, “What’s up with the sock on your arm?”

 

Felix steps back, turning to actually open his locker and rolls his eyes. “It’s a cast, Seungmin. I broke my arm over the summer.”

 

Seungmin was one of the most sarcastic people Felix had ever had the pleasure (note the sarcasm, there) to meet. He had a majority of people fooled into thinking he was kind to everyone, but Seungmin had ulterior motives for 95% of the things he did.  “How’d you do that?” Seungmin asks.

 

Felix pauses what he was doing, knowing that if Seungmin was going to make fun of him for just breaking his arm he would make fun of him even more because of how he broke his arm. But, Felix is a terrible liar. “I… I fell out of a tree.”

 

Seungmin laughs so loudly, Felix is sure people three hallways down can hear it. “You fell out of a tree? What are you? Like… an acorn?” Seungmin asks incredulously.

 

“It… It wasn’t like that!” Felix defends, “I was bored one day, and so I climbed this massive oak tree in this park, and I lost my footing--”

 

“And you fell.” Seungmin finishes.

 

Felix blushes a little, closing his locker and tugging on his backpack strap. He knew it was a stupid story, especially because the events were all fuzzy and Felix can’t be sure if he really fell or if he… let go. He starts walking down the hallway and Seungmin falls into step next to him, “It’s… it’s actually a funny story because I laid there for like, a solid ten minutes after I fell, waiting for someone to come. I kept thinking, ‘any second now, any second now someone will come’.” 

 

Felix stops talking, and Seungmin turns to him, confused. “Did anyone come?”

 

Felix laughs, “Oh! Yeah, yeah, no. No one came. That’s what makes it so funny.”

 

Seungmin continues to stare at Felix, but Felix wasn’t paying attention to Seungmin anymore, more focused on his off-white shoe laces. Seungmin had to admit he was concerned. He knew he acted like he couldn’t stand Felix most of the time, but he didn’t like seeing Felix so… self deprecating. “That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Seungmin tells him, point blank.

 

Felix mutters something that may have been a ‘yeah’, but no one could be sure. As they reach a corner, Seungmin goes to turn the opposite direction and Felix panics again. “Hey! Do you want to sign my cast?” He asks, hopefully.

 

“What? Why would I want to do that?” Seungmin asks, confused, staring at the Sharpie that was in Felix’s hand.

 

Felix flushes, wanting to slap himself for even saying anything. What happened to silence equals invisibility? “I… I just thought that we were kinda friends?”

 

Seungmin sighs condescendingly, putting a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “Felix… my man, we’re family friends. Our Dads are friends, that’s all.” Felix nods, pocketing the Sharpie. “Hey! Could you do me a favor and tell Chan to tell my Dad that I was nice to you?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” Felix answers, wanting the conversation to be over as quick as possible, but suddenly Seungmin wasn’t paying attention to Felix anymore.

 

Felix should be happy, and he was, until he saw what had gained Seungmin’s attention. “Seungmin, wai--”

 

“Hey, Changbin! I really like the whole black thing you have going on this year. It’s very… school shooter who writes angsty songs in his free time!” Seungmin jokes, and hits Felix on the shoulder to try and get Felix to agree with him.

 

Felix shrinks next to Seungmin and doesn’t say anything, just stares at the tiles on the floor. Changbin doesn’t reply either, just glares at Seungmin for way longer than what felt comfortable. “I… I was just joking.” Seungmin says, eventually.

 

Changbin seems to snap out of the frozen stance he was in, “Yeah, I know, it was funny. I'm laughing. Right? Oh, am I not laughing hard enough? Can you not tell that I thought it was funny?” He demands, stepping closer to the duo.

 

Seungmin steps back, holding his hands up in surrender, “You’re such a freak…” Seungmin mutters, turning and leaving Felix behind.

 

Felix lets out a sigh of relief, but Changbin must have misheard. “What the fuck are you laughing at?” Changbin exclaims, turning to Felix.

 

Felix’s head snaps up, “What?” He asks, terrified.

 

“Stop fucking laughing at me! You think that I’m a freak? I’m not a freak.” Changbin steps closer to Felix with every sentence.

 

“No, I don’t--I’m not--” Felix held his hands up in the ‘I Surrender’ way, but Changbin ignored his peace offering.

 

“You’re the fucking freak!” Changbin exclaims loudly, pushing Felix as he moved toward the classrooms on the other end of the hallway.

 

Felix flinches as he lands on the floor, and wants to stay there for the rest of his life. First period hadn’t even began and Felix already knew that there was no way this year was going to be okay. He didn’t have a single friend, he was still awkward and embarrassing, and there was nothing that would change that. He was always going to be invisible, always going to be on the outside looking in. No one has ever seen him, no one will ever see him. His entire existence is so insignificant to the ones around him, he doesn’t understand why he had put so much faith into this year being a good year for him.

 

“Hey!” A voice says above him, a hand shoved in his face, “I’m so sorry about Changbin, I saw him push you. He’s a psychopath, I swear we’re not related.” 

 

Felix looks up, and his face flushes more than it had before, as standing in front of him is Jisung. He is Changbin’s younger brother, but Jisung is nothing like Changbin. Jisung is kind to everyone, sings, and plays guitar in jazz band. He was also the boy Felix had had a crush on since he had moved here with Chan so many years ago. “Are you okay?” Jisung asks as he helps Felix off the ground.

 

“Y-yeah, I’m fine, thanks.” Felix says, crossing his arms across himself as soon as he was standing.

 

“Your name’s Felix, right?” Jisung asks Felix once he’s stable.

 

Felix is surprised that Jisung didn’t just walk away once Felix was standing again. He was fully expecting him too, and he isn’t sure how to react to the fact that Jisung is trying to hold a conversation with Felix of all people. “Y-yes! It’s Felix.”

 

“I’m Jisung!” Jisung shoots Felix a smile that could put the sun to shame.

 

Felix is so distracted by his smile, he doesn’t think about what he’s saying. “I know.”

 

Jisung cocks his head in confusion, furrowing his eyebrows. “You… you know?” 

 

Felix panics and opens his mouth which is the exact opposite thing Felix should ever do when he panics. “Oh, no, no, that came out really creepy and stalker-ish. I swear I'm not creepy, nor stalker-y, I just meant that I've seen you play the guitar in jazz band. I love jazz! Well, like, not all jazz obviously. But like, jazz band jazz—I definitely like jazz band jazz.” Felix claps a hand over his mouth to get himself to shut up,  "That's so weird, I'm so sorry.”

 

Jisung laughs, “You apologize a lot.” 

 

“Sorry!” Felix says again, blushing, and fidgets with the zipper of his hoodie.

 

The bell rings, and Felix realizes that he’s officially late to first hour on the first day of his senior year. Fantastic. “Okay, well I have to go--”

 

“You wouldn’t want to sign my cast--” They say at the same time.

 

Jisung stops from where he had turned to walk away, and looks back, “What?”

 

“What did you say?” Felix shoots back.

 

“I didn’t say anything, you did.”

 

“Uh, what, no? Me? No way… Jose…” Felix trails off with a cough and an awkward forced chuckle.

 

Jisung just smiles at him again. “Okay… Jose.” 

 

Felix notices how Jisung walks away a little faster than what would be considered normal, and sighs, slouching into himself. He really was incapable of acting normal for five seconds around other people. He really is a walking, talking hot mess. A human that’s barely able to be considered a human… just a mess of broken parts thrown together to try and create something functioning and ultimately failing.

 

Felix decides that he needs to revise his letter to himself, rather than going to first period that day. The one he wrote that morning doesn’tt seem to fit with how he feels inside, now.

 

_ Dear Felix, _

 

_ So it turns out that today wasn’t a good day. It’s not going to be a good week or a good month or a good year. Why would it be? You’re… you. And that’s enough to make today, and tomorrow, and forever terrible. _

 

_ And I know, I know… there’s Jisung and all of my hope is pinned on him. This person who doesn’t even know me and I don’t even know him, but maybe if I could just talk to him… But maybe nothing would be different at all. If I could just talk to people, maybe nothing would change. Maybe the only way to get things to change is if I just wasn’t there. _

 

_ You know, maybe Dad wouldn’t be working himself to the bone to provide for you, only for you to fuck it up when you’re completely incapable of being a normal, functioning teen. Maybe Seungmin wouldn’t have to be nice to someone to get his parent’s to pay for his car insurance… _

 

_ I just wish that everything was different. I wish that I was apart of something. I wish that what I said actually meant something to someone, anyone. I just wish that I wasn’t such an awkward, embarrassing, anxious person and that people wanted to be around me. _

 

_ I just wish that there was someone out there who cared and who understood. But why would anyone? It’s me. Lee Felix: your local fucked up mess. _

 

_ Let’s just face it. Would anyone even notice if I just disappeared? _

 

_ Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, _

 

_ Me _

 

Felix hits the print button, and wipes away the tears that had started to fall somewhere along the lines of him writing his letter. He wasn’t even sure why, it wasn’t like he cared.

 

“Uh,” A voice startles Felix out of his own thoughts, making him jump a few inches into the air. “What… what happened to your arm?”

 

Felix looks over, and suppresses a squeak when he sees Changbin standing there, a binder and papers in his arms. “I… I fell out of a tree over the summer.” Felix manages to choke out.

 

Changbin stares at him in disbelief. “You… you fell out of a tree?” 

 

Felix shrinks under Changbin’s gaze, offering only a small nod. “Well, that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” 

 

Felix forces a small, emotionless laugh, “Seungmin said that too, thanks for reminding me.” 

 

Changbin sighs a little to himself. “Uhm… no one’s signed your cast yet.” He says, trying to keep the conversation going.

 

Felix was trying to do the exact opposite of that. He doesn’t want to try and talk to Changbin who is one of the main reasons that today is such an awful day. “Yeah.”

 

“I’ll sign it for you.” Changbin offers.

 

Felix’s head shoots up, and he frantically shakes his head. “No, no, you really don’t have to do that.”

 

“Do you have a sharpie?” Changbin ignores him, and takes the Sharpie that Felix hands to him hesitantly.

 

Changbin grabs Felix’s arm gently, and quickly signs his name in large, shaky letters onto the white plaster. “Thanks…” Felix mutters quietly.

 

“Yeah, well… now both of us can pretend we have friends.” Changbin tells him, and then seems to remember something.

 

“Oh! Is this yours?” He asks, grabbing one of the papers from the top of the stack he had, “It says… Dear Felix so I thought it might belong to you.”

 

Felix panics, and tries to grab the paper from Changbin, “It’s just some stupid assignment, ha, nothing important!” 

 

Something on the paper catches Changbin’s eye, and he moves the paper way from Felix to read over it. “... Because there’s Jisung? Is… is this about my brother?” He asks incredulously.

 

Felix tries to grab the paper from Changbin, “No!” But Changbin was faster than him, and moves it out of the way again.

 

“You wrote this because you knew I would find it, didn’t you?” Changbin accuses venomously.

 

Felix rocks back onto his heels, “What?”

 

“You saw that I was the only other person in here, and you wrote this… this creepy letter because you knew I would find it!” Changbin points at him.

 

“Why would I do that?” Felix exclaims, reaching for the paper again.

 

“So that I would read some creepy shit about my younger brother and flip out right? And then you could go around school and tell everyone that Seo Changbin is an even bigger freak that anyone thought! Right? Or were you going to spread this around to make it seem like someone else wrote it? Like I wrote it? Because I’m suicidal right?” Changbin’s voice slowly raised until he was almost yelling at Felix. 

 

Felix feels helpless, as usual. “I was going to try and apologize for pushing you, but turns out you’re just as fucked up as I am. In fact, you’re worse.” Changbin shakes his head. “Be careful, if people find out how much of a freak you are, you’re done for. Better start getting used to people telling you to die.” 

 

Felix doesn’t know how to respond, mouth opening and closing like a fish. “Fuck you, Felix.” Changbin pushes the paper into Felix’s chest harshly, “Oh, and you’re right. No one would notice if you disappeared.”

 

Changbin turns on his heel, and storms out of the computer lab, leaving Felix standing there, clutching the crumpled up letter in his fist. Tears burned at the back of his eyes as Changbin’s words repeated in his head. You’re right. No one would notice if you disappeared… You’re right… no one would notice… die… no one would notice… disappear…

 

Felix choked on a sob as he suddenly found himself unable to breathe. It felt like everything was closing in on him, and he needed to get out, he needed to get somewhere where he felt safe. The only place he could think of was his room, so he shoved the letter into his bag, and rushes out of the computer lab, down the hallway, and out of the school. It’s not until he’s halfway home that he realizes he’s still crying, tears streaming down his face rapidly.

 

Felix throws the door open, “Dad?” He calls, and chokes on another sob when no one responds. “Chan?” He tries again.

 

He can’t remember if Chan was working right now or not, but everything was swimming around in his head, making it too hard to think. Felix stumbles into the bathroom, and splashes some water on his face, trying to calm himself down.  _ Get it together, Felix _ , he told himself.  _ You can’t break down right now, no one is here. If Dad comes back and finds you like this-- _

 

He’d be annoyed. Pissed that Felix still wasn’t getting better after so many doctors and therapists and medications. He’d tell Felix that he needed to stop acting like this and grow up, because it was the  _ truth _ .

 

Felix glances around the bathroom, trying to find something that he could use to distract himself with. Anything to get his mind off of the anxiety taking over him and the destructive thoughts. His eyes land on the bottle of pills and he stops. 

 

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it before. His life had been terrible for a really long time, and Felix… Felix was weak. He didn’t know how to deal with things that people said to him. 

 

Changbin’s words echo in his mind again.  _ Get used to people telling you to die… You’re right, no one would notice if you disappeared _ .

 

Before Felix could back out, his hand reaches out and he picks up the bottle of his white pills and dumps six into his hand. He takes a deep breath, and thinks about how much better everyone’s lives would be after this. How this was the best thing for him and everyone he had been around. No one would notice if he disappeared, no one would care. This was the right thing to do.

 

Felix choked on another sob, and then chokes on the pills. He sticks his hands under the faucet to get some water, and drinks it straight from his hands. As he continues to cry, he slides to the ground. 

 

He just wanted it all to be over… he just wanted to feel okay again.


End file.
